and the emotional breakdown continues

I feel dramatic writing this, but I know that there has to be other experiencing similar feelings that I’m feeling right now.

I’m still in this whirlwind of emotions — i’m too scared to try my fucking pole dancing class — because i’m scared of failure… which.. i mean.. common, i shouldn’t be scared of this. I made this vow to have these four months to find out who i am, and I’m so scared to do it. I’m  frozen. I literally cannot move. I can’t even buy a bike. The only thing I can do without emotion is buy food. Which I then eat in full emotion.

I spent today on the roof of my apartment, reading this book called “The Shack” – and I am by no means a religious person, but this book was about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  I mean — it tied in religion in almost every idea that was brought forward, but it really emphasized on finding yourself and removing the fear.

I have such fear about this that I skyped my parents — balling. (I would just like to note that I really don’t cry as much as it seems). But I guess that’s what I do when I feel extremely vulnerable and stressed – I cry.

I’m incredibly insecure right now. And this fear is just nesting inside of me. I’m scared I won’t make any friends, that I won’t do anything that I planned to do, and that the relationships I formed prior to my trip will fade away. I can feel the ones who read that last statement roll their eyes and say “this is all because of a boy”. Which, in my defense, I would like to say that it’s not all about a boy. No, I’m not being infiltrated by his “come back home” speeches — because he doesn’t say that. But because I developed these feelings for him, along with my other fears, the fear of him “phasing” me out is a constant image that is playing through my mind. But the wise voice in my head says “it is what it is, and if it’s meant to be, so be it” — WHICH IS MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE. Basically, I don’t want to lose him. In any form. He’s my friend

You know what. If someone wants to be my friend, they’ll be my fucking friend. If they find someone else, then obviously I wasn’t it. bllllaaahhh blaaahhhh blahhhh and all that motivational bullshit that goes with it.