pole dancing

I’m all up in dem Baklavas’.

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I’m feeling much better then when I wrote my last post.  Prior to that post, I spent a good hour and a half balling to my parents on skype. Left that conversation with a headache — went to bed and woke up with such clarity. I think sometimes you need a good cry. I definitely needed it anyways.  It’s been much better now. I’ve  contacted my pole dancing class – I’m starting Thursday.. Whhhhhhaaaa.

wooooosawwwww. It’s slowly but surely coming together now.

Also, I joined couchsurfing.com and made some language exchange contacts.  The ONLY thing that worries me, is that most of the people contacting me for this language exchange are guys. Which gets me thinkin’ … ya know.. do they actually want to learn English   Cause I ain’t putting up with some guy trying to get chicks by going on internet forums saying they want to learn English  What do I look like! Ain’t nobody got time for that shit.

This moment of clarity has opened my eyes into the world of Baklava.

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I was motivated to try to make them myself, but that motivation died once I saw how you’re supposed to make these. WHO KNEW SUCH SMALL DELIGHTS COULD BE SO DIFFICULT TO MAKE.

So these are the ones I bought. I just one. It was delicious. It was delightful. It was  breathtaking.

Aside from my obsession with Baklava, I’m also equally obsessed with the strawberries.

TWO POUNDS OF LOCALLY GROWN STRAWBERRIES COST ME TWO DOLLARS. TWO DOLLARS.

LOOK!

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I should also state, that those were devoured right after that picture was taken. I don’t fuck around with food.

and the emotional breakdown continues

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I feel dramatic writing this, but I know that there has to be other experiencing similar feelings that I’m feeling right now.

I’m still in this whirlwind of emotions — i’m too scared to try my fucking pole dancing class — because i’m scared of failure… which.. i mean.. common, i shouldn’t be scared of this. I made this vow to have these four months to find out who i am, and I’m so scared to do it. I’m  frozen. I literally cannot move. I can’t even buy a bike. The only thing I can do without emotion is buy food. Which I then eat in full emotion.

I spent today on the roof of my apartment, reading this book called “The Shack” – and I am by no means a religious person, but this book was about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  I mean — it tied in religion in almost every idea that was brought forward, but it really emphasized on finding yourself and removing the fear.

I have such fear about this that I skyped my parents — balling. (I would just like to note that I really don’t cry as much as it seems). But I guess that’s what I do when I feel extremely vulnerable and stressed – I cry.

I’m incredibly insecure right now. And this fear is just nesting inside of me. I’m scared I won’t make any friends, that I won’t do anything that I planned to do, and that the relationships I formed prior to my trip will fade away. I can feel the ones who read that last statement roll their eyes and say “this is all because of a boy”. Which, in my defense, I would like to say that it’s not all about a boy. No, I’m not being infiltrated by his “come back home” speeches — because he doesn’t say that. But because I developed these feelings for him, along with my other fears, the fear of him “phasing” me out is a constant image that is playing through my mind. But the wise voice in my head says “it is what it is, and if it’s meant to be, so be it” — WHICH IS MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE. Basically, I don’t want to lose him. In any form. He’s my friend

You know what. If someone wants to be my friend, they’ll be my fucking friend. If they find someone else, then obviously I wasn’t it. bllllaaahhh blaaahhhh blahhhh and all that motivational bullshit that goes with it.