P-p-p-p-putin and the peen

Today, I went to Belgrade’s military parade which was accompanied with the appearance of the all-mighty Vladimir Putin. Naturally, I felt the need to see this parade, because, well, do I need a reason? I wanted to see Putin in the flesh.

There were three entrances into the cleared “cheering” zone, which were not bigger than your dining room table. Everyone had to go through them. Everyone. And as we all know, we Serbs, developed our organizational skills from the Germans.

Needless to say, it was a mess. Thousands of people waited to enter through these gates- shoving each other, dripping sweat onto one another. True intimacy at its finest.

But today, I was not in the mood to experience these intimate moments.

As I stood in line, waiting for the parade entrances to open, a young man behind me was rubbing his dick on my ass.  I could feel my sweat dripping down my armpits and forehead, and in addition, a unknown dick.

Now, I’m all for consensual grinding when the time is right. Which would go down like this:

“Can I rub my dick on your ass?”

“Yes kind sir, yes you can.”

But alas, that did not happen.

The continuous feeling of this dick rubbing itself on me developed a slow teary-eyed anger which then flared.

Usually I would evaluate my options and rationally think of the next step of action but,  I hastily turned around and loudly said to the young man,

“Can you stop rubbing your dick on me? Can you just back-up, just back a step back. And if I feel your dick on me one more time, I’m going to shove it up your ass.”

The girls behind him giggled nervously, as the men around him stared at me. My father and brother stood beside me and insisted that the young man do as I say and respect my space. He hesitantly stepped back.

As time went by the young man eventually made his way in front of me. I stared mindlessly at the back of his head, in a numb state, I went close-up behind him and whispered in his ear,

“Now it’s my turn to fuck you from behind”.

And then I saw Putin.

The Belgrade LGBT Parade

Twas Belgrade’s Gay Pride Parade today. Nothing more extravagant then a parade which was barricaded with 7000 Serbian riot police. However, it’s important to note without sarcasm, that this was the first gay pride parade in four years.

As someone whom grew up in Vancouver, the thought of  a gay pride parade only lit off feelings relating to  alcohol consumption and dancing. In Vancouver, streets would be filled with rainbow flags, floats of gay-pride performers and clubs full of people whom have disregarded the anti-LGBT frame of mind.

In comparison, the energy during the Belgrade parade was calm yet eerie. These streets  were usually bubbling with the voices of those mumbling to themselves as they dodge in between casual walkers,  youngsters munching on fresh pastries from the local corner bakery and old ladies searching for their escaped house cats. But those sounds were muted with silence. This silence would occasionally be broken with the sound of a barking stray dog – the only unemotionally involved mammal during the parade. As I walked down the sun-lit city center, I felt I had been dropped into a post-apocalyptic environment – awaiting for the next attack.  However I need not to worry, as any attack would be a true struggle, as riot-police had wedged themselves into every nook and crevasse- in between garbage bins, alley ways, and back-way apartment exits.

I waited for the parade to venture towards me, hoping to be able to catch a glimpse of all its glory. But alas, they were the size of ants to my eyes – a parade which should be shared and celebrated with the whole community was kept at an overly safe distance away from any eyes.

As I was turning home with disappointment,  a mature female pedestrian proclaimed her findings, as she yelled “faggot lover”  to my father.  Her eyes were twitching in rage as they started to gather tear drops which shortly after poured down her face.  Her twitching swollen eyes listened with great attention as my father gave a humbling speech, “do you see her? this is my daughter, I am not gay, but I do love them.  Listen, these are your people, they’re our brothers and sisters. And what you’re feeling now, is not because of them. Whatever you’re going through, it will get better, don’t worry, things will get better.”

 

A feminist approach to friends-with-benefits: A qualitative study of individuals in non-committal relationships whom are over the age of forty.

The following research proposal was a term paper for my graduating year (2013). 

A feminist approach to friends-with-benefits:
A qualitative study of individuals in non-committal relationships whom are over the age of forty.

Introduction

The definition of friendship has typically excluded romantic love and sexual contact to differentiate friendships from romantic relationships. Though traditional relationships are still in contemporary society, non-committal relationships have been evolving and becoming more popular. These non-committal relationships like friends-with-benefits were adapted amongst young adults. As a dynamic society it is constantly changing and evolving, including the interactions between individuals. In contemporary society once marginalized subgroups, such LGBT, women, are now gaining more rights within society.
Women financially continue to earn less than men for the same occupation; however, the gap between them is slowly closing. Women continue to gain equality within contemporary society, however, rather than exterminating inequality, is it being displaced into these non-romantic relationships.
As a patriarchal society, we, as a community, have been structured under male dominance and instruction. Society has been developed on traditions and values framed under the patriarchal construct. It is only natural to believe that these values and social norms will not be altered within a generation, but rather over the course of several generations. It has only been within the last couple of decades where the equality of sexes has been questioned and challenged. Not to mention, it has been a struggle and slowly progression for changes to be made. This shows that society, was not accepting of these changes, and it is still evident that there discrimination continues against marginalized groups.  The belief in this research prospectus is though we are accepting of women and their rights in present-day society; we have not eliminated these gender inequalities. Instead we’ve modified the inequalities and displaced them in contemporary non-romantic relationships, such as friends-with-benefits.  

Literature Review
The purpose of this literature review is to examine and illustrate various studies, which assist in discovering gender inequality in friends-with-benefit relationships, and to what extent, if at all, are the inequalities prevalent in those participating in friends-with-benefits whom are over the age of 40. This will be done by first looking at the definitional context of friends-with-benefit relationships in current society and an examination of gender inequality in its’ contemporary state.
Definition of friends-with-benefits
Non- romantic relationships are not a new concept for modern-day society. Casual relationships, hook-ups, one-night stands, and friends-with-benefits are all examples of this specific relationship. Though the definitions of these all differ, the concept of non-romantic relations is congruent amongst them all. Friends-with benefits is a relatively new concept, and is defined as
“a relation that consists for a short or a long period and where partners meet for sexual activities. In the relationship partners can be friends or acquaintances, but not necessarily. Sometimes partner had had a romantic relationship with each other before, or it could be that their only contact was on a sexual basis. Friends-with-benefits is a non-romantic relation where sexual activity is central.” (Forsberg, 2005)
Typically, friendship is defined as two individuals having “an attraction of the spirit and not the body” (werking), and it being “a non-sexual relationship of two people, based upon shared experiences and characterized by mutual personal regard, understanding, and loyalty.”(Armstrong) Nevertheless, friendships and romantic relationships are more similar then different. Both forms of relationships consist of trust, enjoyment of another’s company, and mutual respect. (bison, Levine). Friends-with-benefits combine the psychological intimacy of a traditional friendship with the sexual intimacy of a romantic relationship, while avoiding the label of the latter (bison, Levine). However, a study done by Erlandsson et al (2012), suggest that though sex without romantic feelings occurred, more so then not it was observed that romantic feelings gradually developed in friends-with-benefit relationships. The development of emotions occurred in men, they seen more prevalent throughout women who were involved in friends-with-benefit relationships.
Gender inequalities
Group-based inequality continues to be prevalent in most contemporary societies. Though many disadvantaged groups have improved their condition, nevertheless, these inequalities have taken on a different form. Compared to the past, women, though remain unequal to men, have increased their status within society. As the friends-with-benefit relationships appear as an equal playing field for both counterparts, relations between men and women are embedded within a historical context. This larger context has implications for both sexes, and their perception of the current social structure and their genders (sporr, Schmitt).

Gaps in the Literature
Past research focusing on friends-with-benefit relationships have primarily directed attention to those whom are under the age of thirty. Understandably so, this particular relationship is extremely common amongst young adults, with most studies ranging in age between 18 – 25 years. Although, previous studies have touched on adults over the age of forty, none have made that demographic a focus group in research. Lehmiller’s (2011) study regarding friends-with-benefits, 0.10% of their participants embodied individuals over the age of forty.  This demographic cannot be overlooked as it is of importance to see if these behaviors continue in older populations.

Research Question
For the purpose of gaining a qualitative insight into friends-with benefit relationships, the researcher proposes the following research question:
“To what extent, if at all, are friends-with benefit relationships a contemporary form of gender inequality? Furthermore, to what extent, if at all, are the inequalities prevalent in those participating in friends-with-benefits whom are over the age of forty?”

Methodology
In order to see the discrepancies within friend-with-benefit relationships and the gender inequalities that exist within them, the methodological approach used is through the feminist lens.  The feminist approach focuses on the oppressive social structure, and place gender as a main cause of oppression. However, it is important to note that within the context of inequality they include race, socio-economic status, culture and ethnicity. Like critical theory, there is no single feminist perspective. Rather the research will vary depending on the feminist standpoint the researcher chooses to adopt, whether that is of the feminist standpoint theories, feminist postmodernism, feminist empiricism, etc. This form of orientational qualitative inquiry develops on the concept that the social structure is built off of gender inequalities, keeping the marginalized groups oppressed within a patriarchical society. Friends-with-benefits continue to weave the social construct of male dominance in a sexual relationship.  This methodological framework will provide an alternative way to viewing friends-with-benefit relationships. By critically analyzing friends-with-benefits, from a feminist perspective, it will enable those marginalized power, and the emancipation of the research that has critically analyzed contemporary gender inequalities. With this chosen methodology, the researcher will be able to gain further knowledge and understanding of contemporary gender inequalities within friends-with-benefit relationships, and to create debate of whether or not, and in what ways, these forms of relationships may contribute to the continuation of oppression of women.

Method
How will I get women over 40 to answer this, and where??
What will the questions sound like?
A questionnaire and semi-structured in-person interviews with open-ended questions themed with the friends-with-benefit inquiry will be the method used for this research study. The questionnaire will be used to gather participants, female and male, who have participated in friends-with-benefit relationships. After the research group has been selected, each participant will go through in-depth, in-person interviews. Feminist research advocates a framework when conducting interviews which institute a high level of rapport between the interviewer and interviewee, a non-hierarchical relationship, and a degree of reciprocity on the part of the interviewer. Feminist research typically uses “insiders” for interviewing as it removes the hierarchical structure of interviews. The non-hierarchical relationship formed between the interviewer and interviewee, will form the rapport needed in order for questions to be answered with truth and detail. The subject matter being discussed is extremely personal for the interviewees, and location must be agreed upon by the participants. This will ensure that they are comfortable and feel safe sharing personal information with the interviewer.

Sampling
Qualitative research is concerned with in-depth understanding and usually involves working with small samples. The goal the research is to look at the “process” or the “meanings” individuals experience with the given social situation. The overall idea of friends-with benefit relationship is of importance; however the experience during the relationship is of significance.
Given the nature of the research, snowball and purposive sampling techniques will be applied. Initially, purposive sampling will be executed in order to find participants who were involved in friends-with-benefit relationships. Through the questionnaire that will be administered, the researcher will select those whom exhibit attributes corresponding to the study.  When the participants have then been selected, the interviewer must build rapport with the interviewees. Once rapport has been built with the participants, they will refer others whom acquire the same attributes they do.  When the researcher has gathered enough referrals, they will select a sample size of 100 participants to be interviewed.  The sample size will be composed of an equal representation of female and male participants, whom are over the age of forty.
The researcher is aware of the limitations of both snowball and purposive sampling techniques. The selectiveness of both purposive and snowball sampling techniques pose concern that they are not representative of the population. Though they are not representative of the population, the purpose of this study is not to generalize the experiences of friends-with-benefit relationships. Rather it is meant to study a specific demographic that have experienced this form of relationship. In order to study those in friends-with-benefit relationships whom are over the age of forty, the researcher must select participants who share attributes necessary for the study.

Researcher’s known Biases
As a researcher, I am fully aware of the fact that my social upbringing and personal experiences have formed specific biases which will affect the proposed research. My post secondary education in Criminology and Political Science however, has helped me form a critical perspective and identify these biases prior to conducting research.
The interest in friends-with-benefit relationships stem from personal experience of participating in two of them.  It was only after the relationships had ended, had I seen the control and emotional manipulation used against me in order for me to stay involved for their benefit. My curiosity leads me to question whether these negative emotions and outcomes are prevalent in friends-with-benefit relationships, for those whom had gathered more years of life experience then a young adult. However, as a researcher, I must not place my own personal experience within the study, as the results may not correspond with my own experiences.